Honesty Hurt My Ego!

So I have had a "first" for ME, just very recently. A couple of months ago I met someone, and we started up a little thing, it was new and it had potential for something, if but only for FUN.

We had spent some time together in the few months I have known him, in his town, in mine... and it wasn't always such a smooth sail, soooooooo, I thought how can I make this thing, that is NOT running so smooth...SMOOTH? There were "signs", like he was only giving me just enough info about himself, to keep me somewhat interested, but it was NEVER ENOUGH, he put very little effort but at the same time, he was so very sweet and "loving" almost as if he just might like me, hahahahah. So I thought well maybe he just likes to take it slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, and maybe I am just not use to that...and so I continued. It is true, I do love a challenge BUT HE HAD A HUGE WALL UP, and that was getting harder and harder to break through, not to mention FRUSTRATING. But you know how sometimes we do, you continue on with something that is not working, and because of what ever reason(you have no real reason)... you WAIT - for something to mysteriously happen that makes you wonder why you ever thought this wasn't going to work (which never happens). There was even the simple fact that we were JUST NOT CLICKING, BUT because it was new, and he was cute, and he knew absolutely NO ONE I knew(which was kind of exciting in itself), and hey I thought the least that would come out of it, is I would have this NEW person in my life SO, I was down for the journey.

SOooooooooooooooooooooo knowing this, WHAT TO CALL THIS BUDDING FAUXRelationship thingy thing? UGHHHHHHHHHH...well...a, WHO KNOWS, there was so much missing that to call it anything more than a glorified-overnight-weekend-booty call is really being nice. WOW, it really isn't being nice, but DAMN, I didn't know him enough to say we were at least becoming friends, and you know if we weren't at least that, but we were still staying in touch via phone w/the Hi/Hello, What'up, What you going to do... and then the weekend visits, filled w/you know...you know. I don't know what else I COULD call it.


Well let's forward to last week, when I hadn't talked to him in a couple days, and thought HEY, it might be nice to talk this guy I am sort-a-kind-of talking to, ESPECIALLY after we just spent 4 days together. SO I leave him a message "ACTING" like I am mad, in my silly mad acting voice - basically saying how he CHEWS ME UP AND SPITS ME OUT and I don't even get a courtesy call. YOU KNOW, i was TOTALLY being facetious, it is what i do, it is who I am. I honestly don't need to be called on a daily, but I did want to talk to him, and thought I'd leave what I consider a cuteCEE message. WELL, I should of known better, he calls back, talking bout, "got your message, you sound really mad, call me back" (he left this on my voicemail, because I didn't answer the phone). So I listen, and think, DAMN he just does not get me, just like he hasn't got me, the WHOLE time. SO needless to say, he didn't know that was me playing around. So I call him, he starts off w/the "sorrys" and how he really had no excuses for not calling. I kind of joked again about it(still NOT REALLY MAD, still doesn't get it). I even say, I am not mad, I just wanted to talk to ya...

AND THIS IS WHERE THE COOKIE CRUMBLES!
THE AXE FALLS!
OUR TWO WORLDS COLLIDE!
MY EGO TAKES A BEAT DOWN!!!!!!!!!

So he starts w/the I don't want to get hurt, it is not that i don't trust you, but I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET HURT(translation - i don't trust you and I know you will hurt me). Hmmm....which in these few months, he has made no attempts to know if this is something I am capable of. AND if you want to know the truth MR.BOY - any person you choose to talk to, you, ALWAYS run the risk of getting hurt. So I guess to him I would say YES it is possible I could hurt you, and so could falling down a flight of stairs. Maybe that is what I should talk about, how lame the excuse of "getting hurt" is, if you don't risk it, how will you ever know what you could have, why even live, getting hurt SUCKS BIG HAIRY BALLS, but sooooooooooooooooooooooooo - F'ing take a chance , F'ing live those great moments that happen before the HURT. Do you feel me? Can I get an AMEN? AMEN! Okay so we aren't talking bout that now, but that is definitely a blog waiting to be written. So he proceeds to tell me the many things I already knew were a problem and says you know, he just isn't in a good place right now, he is a loner, he doesn't want the obligation of having to call someone, he is sorry for waisting my time, and my favorite - AT LEAST I GOT A FRIEND OUT OF IT! This is great, because I know my friends, I know stuff about them, I know how they react to things, I know THEM, that is why they are my friends - I KNOW ABSOLUTLY NOTHING ABOUT THIS GUY, EXCEPT what he does on a daily basis. THis is how much he put out to me, I call it the WALL - the "I don't want to get hurt" wall - you know the I will never really ever know someone because i am scared to get hurt wall. Which hey COOL, whatever, people have those...hey am I repeating myself, I AM, I know, but that excuse is the WORST COPOUT EVER! I HATE IT and I HATE HIM FOR USING IT ON ME!(not really)

Did I just sort of start bashing him, I REALLY didn't mean it, but that is what happens when you get dumped(and we weren't even together and I was going to do it anyway)you feel like you have to some how CHECK YO SELF, like what is wrong with me, why doesn't he like me. That is how I feel, like WHAT, how dare him not like me, I am pretty much PERFECTION, PERFECTION I SAY!!!! Maybe not according to boys 10 years younger than me....OH did I not mention that, hahahahahhahaha. Well I don't ever think age is an issue, but it might have been in this case. GOSH, it is like I can't stop being mad about it, hahahahahahah.

I MEAN I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOING TO LET HIM GO, HOW DARE HE BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH!

It is not like I don't know Rejection, i really do, I have been rejected before, but up front you know. Before there were any exchanges of fluids or words or money, hahahahahahah. AND I am good w/that - but this just seems WRONG, not right, is this bad karma that I am paying for? So does this make me on equal grounds w/the world again? OR is this just the beginning of my punishment. OH PLEASE LORD let it not be. Maybe my ego needed to be taken down a notch, maybe this was a lesson, in soooooooooooooooo many things. BECAUSE BELIEVE ME, you don't even know the half of what i learned w/this one.

HONESTLY, I guess what really gets me, not so much that he did it first(even though that really does get to me)but, I was totally okay w/us being something less complicated, but you know that sweet and loving like quality he had, well HE HAD IT, and you know that is unnecessary in a "NONCOMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP". AND I TOLD HIM THAT AT ONE POINT - so he knew, but WHO KNOWS...maybe I am not so great? NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA it couldn't be that, hahahahhahaha.

Well that is it the story, so I sit and I wait for that day when my "NEW FRIEND" calls me, you know just to chat it up about, the GOOD TIMES we once shared, hehe.


Oh and I don't hate him for this, really a good guy, I think instead of waiting for that THING to spark for us, he gracefully stepped up and out and much PROPS for that - WOW, because that isn't easy, I am sure it was hard to let me go(hahahahahha). OMG, i think i am starting to love him just thinking about it, hahahahahahahah - JUST KIDDNG! But sure does make me like him a bit more for it - I love when someone is so HONEST(something I obviously was having trouble with)it gets you!

More me later...when I can pick my head up again.