Skinny to Fat to HOPEFULLY(Lord Help Me) Skinny!!

WELL I HAVE HAD IT, I have finally just decided to go to a weight-loss doctor and I am on a program consisting of calorie counting, exercise, pills and prayer. This isn't an easy thing to do, take away the little things in life that make you happy, like ice-cream and pasta. WHY CAN'T I BE WHO I WANT TO BE w/out all the stress. DO YOU FEEL ME, my friends? Why is VULUP so NOT ACCEPTED in this society? If it was the "mona lisa era" I would be the HOTTEST thing around and people would be like "I don't want that skinny bitch, I need a girl with LOTS of meat on her bones - GROSS, I mean like where is her stomach, I can't lay my head on that, it'd be like laying on her back bone." Yes I know all you girls and boys with "lots to love" hear what I am saying. How did we go to such extremes - SOCIETY has gone mad, BUT then again if you were VULUP back in the days that meant you had MONEY, obviously, since you were eating. If you didn't, then it showed, and who wants to be with a skinny BYOCH w/not a dime to her name....hmmmm. So what have we learned from this very short history lesson. MONEY STILL BUYS FOOD! hahahahahhahahah - well let's get back to me and my mind boggling situation.

What I want to talk about is the mental mind frame I have going on in regards to my weight. Up till about 7 1/2 years ago, I was set up in a proportionate manner. All my curves were where they were suppose to be, clothes were never a question of how will this look on me or will there be a size that fits, LIFE WAS GOOD. I don't mean just in the picking up clothes business, I mean that in every aspect of my life. How was a small well proportioned girl w/lots of personality to know that this equation was what made life easier. No one said mess w/the equation and expect different results. BUT LOGICALLY if you were to mess w a simple equation such as, 2 + 2 = 4, you know just changing up maybe a 2 for a 3 - WELL 4 it does not equal. Well lets just say 7 1/2 years ago I began to mess with my equation, so now you have a small flubby girl w/lots of personality. The results being not so GOOD - take a look at some of my highlights from the book "WHAT A FLUBBY LIFE" written by ME.

Let me give you the worse of it, top 10 things that have really HIT HARD TO MY HEART about my weight. (how about in list form):
1. A "friend" of mine who hadn't seen me in a while, told me later, exact words "wow, I hardly recognized you, it was like there was 2 of you" my mouth dropped, but that wasn't all "why don't you just get on a treadmill or something" NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE.
2. I think I was asked at least 3 times if I was pregnant, it wasn't so much that my stomach was so big, but I did put on a few 20's, TALK ABOUT HURT FEELINGS.
3. I had a guy friend of mine offer to get my stomach stapled, to pay for this - can you believe. I wasn't even a 100 pounds over weight, more like 60, BUT GOOD LORD.
4. I had one guy who liked me but had one problem, exact words "...but you are over weight, but don't get upset, I will help you work out" LIKE I WAS ASKING FOR HELP, LIKE I EVEN LIKED HIM, HOW DARE HE.
5. This other "friend" of mine I saw out once, was sitting w/a group of friends of his 4 or 5 and me and my friend walked up to his table to say HI, well out of nowhere he says, exact words "why did you let yourself go? IF FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE FOR NO REASON AT ALL, NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE.
6. They make the ugliest clothes for bigger girls, w/lots of patters and ruffles and shit, ARE THEY DOING IT TO BE FUNNY, hey I am trying to keep some sense of style going, it is a challenge.
7. I don't get the attention, the stares, the "hey girl"
8. Nobody asks me if I want more cake and ice-cream, hahahahha - WELL IT IS TRUE, especially sense I love the cake and ice-cream COMBO
9. I have a distorted image of myself, I think I am smaller than I am, then I see a picture or walk by a mirror and there I am, ALL OF ME!
10. I have issues w/my confidence, I feel I still have it, BUT I have become more aggressive - I guess you could say my aggressiveness is "faux confidence"
WHAT A REVELATION!!!!!

So you see people aren't nice to the chubbies, and mags and tv, and all the sexy girl images they put out there don't help girls like me. BUT at the same time, would I want to see a chubby sprawled out on top of a car (should a girl even be sprawled out on top a car, save that story for next time. HONESTLY - NO. I know that isn't right to say, since I am, at this moment, on the chubby side. But it is already programmed in my brain that way. I still think as if I am a skinny girl. Let me explain that because even though I am sounding like an ASS, I never was one of those people who were mean to people of the VULUP nature nor did I ever entertain talk of "FAT" people, if there is something good about me, I am not down with talking about people and there looks or color or status, UNLESS they are ASSHOLES, hahahahahha. Because being fat is one thing, but being a FAT ASSHOLE is a whole other thing. OKAY enough of that, as I was saying - I still think in my mind I should be treated or talked to or be able to be fashionable just as in other person of smaller mass - BUT IT JUST ISN'T REALITY. WE ARE TREATED DIFFERENT - and I can say this and know what I am saying because I came from the other side. People try to tell me it doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside.

HOW MANY OF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?

Not even I do, because I have tendencies to like people more pleasing to the eye (my eye) and in my case they are more slimmer guys, that is where my attraction lies - it is human nature - we think with our senses alot of the times - BUT in the position I am in, it LESS MATTERS WHAT I WANT, because I AM NOT AS PLEASING TO THE EYES OF OTHERS...anymore. You see what I am saying, the amount of people who find someone of my size attractive are FAR FEWER....did i say FAR, than the ones that liked the "old me" I am not even blaming anybody for this occurrence in the life of ME. I am just stating the reality of the world we live in.

So my question - Do you feel WE are forced to see beauty on the outside FIRST? Or is it just my shallow ASS and if you don't live up to Societies standards is it just too bad for you? I think so. It is simple, i guess, you got yourself that way, you deserve what comes with it. Just a thought, i don't whole-heartly believe this.

I would love to give a big FUCK YOU to all the people who don't accept me for who I am, but DAMN I don't even accept it - well the FAT anyway - I always was pleased with how I Never gave a SHIT about what people thought of me, BUT I guess that was before people had shitty thoughts of me, hahahahha.

WOW on this blog, I came back w/a vengeance - I know this was a deeper subject for me - and I know I will maybe piss some people off, but this is just me seeing the world through my BIG FAT EYES BITCHES, hahahah!!!!!!!

OH and I am a chubby it is true, but when i re-read this i sounded like SHAMoo - NOT TRUE!(see, distorted i tell you)

more me later